Month: <span>July 2024</span>

Something is in the “ether” or collective consciousness right now that is dark and heavy. Have you noticed that there haven’t been many comedies coming out in movies or TV shows, but there do seem to be a plethora of true crime, murder, and horror flicks or documentaries about cults or serial killers, etc? Sure, there may be plenty of “fluff” like “reality” shows, but even those tend to be petty, competitive, and bring out the immature, ego-aspects in folks rather than their light. We’re cutting each other down, tearing each other a part for not saying things perfectly or even just due to a misunderstanding or misinterpretation, giving no room for variation or grace for imperfection. I’m tired of it. We’re all victims of it, and I think we may all be perpetrators, as well, although take that as it may or may not fit (which means, leave it if it doesn’t fit).

I left the field of cancer research due to the severe cut-throat attitude and competitive behavior of scientists at professional conferences and in peer review. It’s not that I cannot handle constructive criticism, but it is the feeling that it’s really a game of “one-up-man-ship”, and not necessarily about honing in the science, itself. The other aspect that I couldn’t deal with was the sexism/genderism. As a non-cis man or a beautiful feminine woman, I felt invisible and ignored. I could have a great idea, and if it came out of my mouth it was nothing, but the same idea out of a man’s mouth or even a beautiful woman’s mouth was noticed. To be fair, beautiful women are not entirely heard, either, but they are given a moment as a stepping stone of sexualization. They’re either sexualized or maternalized, or, most-frequently, both. They’re given that moment as if to be heard, but it’s not out of genuine respect. It’s a means to an end – to either be a sexual fantasy for the men in charge or for those men to be mothered and cared for when they got drunk at a work-social gathering, which was not infrequent. The women did all this work while the men got the credit. But those of us who don’t fit in either category are just little freaks of nothingness, as if we don’t exist. Of course there are exceptions, and that could to be due to extraordinary skill and talent, but mostly due to fighting and fighting and fighting to be seen and heard. I didn’t have it in me to fight for a career that I enjoyed, sure, but wasn’t entirely in love with to the core of me, for which I might’ve fought. To be fair, I’m not sure there’s any one thing for which I would fight that hard – maybe for the people that I love, but that’s an entirely different scenario altogether.

In any case, there’s always something that someone is going to complain about, indeed. It’s just hard when you work hard on something, you care about it, and you think it’s probably pretty good, and yet the only feedback you get is a negative comment. Somehow someone found something to pick at and they decided to pick at it. It’s probable that they’re already in a tough place, themselves, feeling that negativity prior to even seeing or reading what I presented, but then my work became their target of irritation, and they expressed it to me. At that moment, I feel defensive and like I want to attack back. But…luckily, I have gotten better at taking a moment to wait for that reaction. I’m not 100% always good at taking that time, though, but for those moments when I can…I am incredibly grateful.

Not to be a self-horn-tooter, but I do think I can attribute this ability to pause and take a moment, extending that time between stimulus and response, at least in part, to all the neurofeedback training on myself that I have done over the past decade. Other things that have helped have been incorporating a daily meditation practice as well as a daily qigong practice, regular exercise, a lower inflammatory diet, and now I’ve been able to completely go off of my prescription psychotropic meds by microdosing psilocybin (which is not a solution for everybody, but it is almost miraculous for many). I have also recently incorporated neurostimulation (i.e., TDCS), which I also think is a game-changer for those of us with depression, and particularly suicidal ideation.

Another thing that has helped me since my separation and divorce is being careful about what kind of media that I consume. At the start, that really was just about not watching true crime murder anymore. I used to be a true crime murder junkie, watching and listening to lots of Dateline and 48 hours types of programs daily. Someone recommended that I not do that if I want to help my mood, and to actually consider uplifting, maybe even self-help and spiritual types of media, so I reluctantly tried it because I was having trouble stabilizing my downward spiral. In any case, I found that it did help keep me from spiraling too much. Right now, with all the political terrorization all over the news, it’s a lot harder to not consume any negative, dark, and heavy media unless you turn it all off (which I have done very recently due to it giving me panic attacks). This is hard to reconcile with the desire to stay informed, but I think we all need to care for our mental health ahead of that desire. I do believe that we need to be informed, but we may need to do it in very careful, small chunks, that are spread out such that it’s not this constant barrage of negativity. The constant barrage is not only detrimental to our own mental health, but the ripple effect of it is that it will then likely lead to us continuing to perpetuate it onto others, which then hurts other people’s mental wellbeing. Taking care of ourselves is another way to indirectly take care of other people.

Ideally, we can move away from this constant barrage of negativity that can be self-perpetuating, and instead go in the opposite direction of spreading love and joy and positivity. Now, of course, you cannot be in a constant state of positivity, but I do believe that we can all reach serenity at any point in time if we want it, but it does take work and practice, which eventually gets easier and feels less like work with more practice. Then there will still be days when we’re just feeling heavy and dark…and those days are great for resting. But the more we can tap into that serenity, the more we can spread that love and joy just by being. We could compliment someone or even just smile at someone – yes, that could spread it – but you really don’t need to do anything at all because we all have access to it at all times. To continue the perpetration of negativity, one must participate in it. To end the propagation of negativity, all we need to worry about is our own, personal peace and serenity. This takes lots of practice, a practice that will never end in perfection, but, if continued, progress is inevitable.